I've been having a few bad days lately, and everything seems to get to me. The state of the weather here isn't helping either, nothing but gloom and cold.
With the events of the past few months, nothing has been the same. Both her and and I have had to care for my grandparents without any help, from people who otherwise should be helping. As they are getting up in age, the doctors appointments and help they need at home adds up, and leaves my Mom with little time for herself. We love them both since they are such good people, but it's still very hard to do all this having just lost someone.
There's also the fact that neither of us has been able to work because we only have one car, and the care of my grandparents to think of. I'm trying to get a job, in anything, currently. Online and off-line I have been filling out applications to no avail.
I also get down about how I have no life outside of all this. I don't even feel like a 24 year old. I feel like some stupid little girl that doesn't matter. I feel like I'm forever locked in limbo, waiting to live a normal life.
How much more are we supposed to suffer this year?

I'm having a rough time right now, since the holidays are approaching. I'm dreading it, because honestly I don't want to be around anyone this year. My Mom has said she feels this way too. It's just not the same without my Dad here.

All these mixed emotions make me think of all my shortcomings that much worse. I keep asking myself why I've had to endure so many disappointments, and why my Dad had to die so soon, before I was even able to make him proud of me by making something of myself.

I just want to get to a point where I can live a practical life, and get to a point where I'm really independent, because I know my Mom won't be here forever either. I have to be able to support myself, and be on my own with a secure job.

Now I feel like I have no real direction in my life. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I have to take care of my Mom when she breaks down, and often I'm the only one who understands her. I don't really have anyone to talk to for myself, at least not near where I live. I do have good friends here though, and that's why I'm expressing myself here. I don't mean to use this journal to vent, because I don't really like to use it for that, but right now I just need to.
If you read this, thank you for listening, I appreciate it.

All this stuff is why I sometimes wish I was a cat. They seem to live a little better than humans at times. Plus, the whole jumping and running really fast isn't too bad a trait either.
~Angela

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